another 3 months and not a single post til now. yikes. seriously, where have i been? i'd like to be able to say i've filled up my time with exotic adventures abroad but in reality the only sojourns i've been on are my daily commute to work and convenience store. bleak to say the least, but i'm feeling the creative energies surging forth and thusly need an outlet for my powerful proclivities....
the problem with photoshop remains as it always does, projects. i have lots of ideas, but i don't seem to be able to focus in on them. there's wedding photo albums to go through, which will take a while to do...then i could of course re-do my blog book using indesign. i could also revisit some of the techniques i've learned over the course of the year which would help to boost creativity...and then of course, summer is coming and some one-of-a-kind tshirts would be really neat-o. decisions, decisions...seems now all i need is more time.
then there are lots of other things i feel i should be doing...the booklist is getting long again so maybe i feel like i should catch up on my list before it gets any longer. then there is the health factor, while now a non-smoker my mid-section seems to have gotten larger over the cold months which means i should start running again except i hate exercising for the point of exercising, but i also hate being fat. then i also feel like i should get back into studying chinese and starting the design course i should have started in january, but never got around to.

with all this procrastination i'm radiating, i suddenly see that it isn't such a big surprise that i haven't written anything in over 3 months.

dressed for success

the christmas season is in full-swing and no where else is it felt more than in retail. lots of people shopping and asking questions, staff to train and trying to get all the usual stuff done is tricky, but you have to roll with punches. the last two weeks in particular have been busy and a tad stressful, but i'm coping and keeping up with the challenges in this new position. in fact ( at the risk of tooting my own horn here) i think i'm actually excelling at the job. things are organized, getting done and running smoothly. i've been given more responsibility and have risen to the occassion, leaving little room for criticism. that said, there is one thing that i seem to do wrong and that had to do with the way i dress.
work has a dress code which is as follows: black, blue or white shirt paired with tan, black, or navy pants and black or brown shoes. while most days, i follow this code there are a few days that i haven't been exactly up to code. what i mean by that is i have chosen to wear a shirt that doesn't fit (dark grey) or i've worn a sweater which could technically slip through but depending on the mood of the manager that day, doesn't.
this is extremely frustrating to me as it really feels like because i can and do a good job at work, the only thing that management can come down on me for is what i'm wearing? how does that actually affect my job performance? in truth, i take pride in my appearance and attempt to dress up for work as much as possible. I have always been a firm believer in dressing for the occassion...collared shirts feel comfortable and professional to me, so what does it matter if they aren't black, white or navy? the vest i wear over top of the shirt clearly denotes the fact of where i work, so what's the big deal? i could see if i was wearing running shoes, ripped pants, or jeans or something but when the laundry hasn't been done and i've chosen a shirt which is technically a shade of one of the approved colours for one day, do i really need to be told about it?
i think what it boils down to is jealousy. again, i sound a little conceited here but what else could it be? by not staying in dress-code do they think i am better than they are? i don't (just for the record) but like i stated earlier, i take pride in my appearance and want to project a professional image. some of the choices in work attire from my fellow colleagues should be discouraged, if not downright outlawed. i'm sorry, but unless you work in a factory somewhere you should never wear a mock turtleneck for a day at work.
i know it might seem petty, but would it be satisfying to quit a job just because you frustrated over the the fashion? likely not, but everyone has to draw a line in the sand some where.

ch-ch-ch-changes

moving on has been a lot on my mind the last few days. it started when a f/t position came up two weeks ago. until that point, i hadn't given much thought of where i am in life or where i'm headed, just getting through each day. so, i applied for the job and had the interview and now i'm fairly certain i've got it, but the question is, do i want it? taking it would mean more money, solid hours, better sched and all that, but it also means that i'm going to be a bit more 'stuck' in my current situation.

i'm not too sure if i'm alright with that or not.

to compound these thoughts, a co-worker of mine is also decided to call it quits and that always make me re-evaluate things. am i happy here? could i or should i be doing something different with my life? why, of course i could and should! something new!? that's way better than what i'm doing now! and so on...

i hate to say it, but that part of me that loves change is quite a spoiled bitch...it makes me try new things, see new places, meet new people, but it also wants it all the time and won't let me settle for anything less. every time a travel book comes through my till, i immediately think that i should be out there again, traveling or working and living under foreign skies. i get these romantic ideas of what my life would be like if i was to live in this or that place and it makes my head swim with possibilities....and that makes me feel happy.

BUT, in the deep, dark places of my soul there is also this little person who whispers to me and makes me feel like i should settle down some where, plant roots, have kids and get fat. i hate this person because he makes me feel like i'm a dreamer who wants to waste his life on travel and that's not the way a grown-up should live his life.

haiku for the little practical man inside me

man inside my head
terrible yet insistent
sleep now little boss

memory lane

now at the tail end of my 'weekend' from work (consisting of tuesday and wednesday) and have been trying to think of a project to put my photoshop skills to use. i've been fooling around for the last few weeks, trying out different techniques and basically manipulating photos into semi-artistic styles, but this is not fulfilling.

i've been putting off doing a major collaboration of my time overseas for a few reasons...a little because i don't know how to go about it, a little because it's a major project spanning 4 years of my life and a lot because i know that it will stir up feelings of what we had done, seen and the people who made it all worthwhile.

and i have to say, the trip down memory lane is bittersweet.

i'm really happy when i look at these moments captured in time in that faraway place...when i see the things that i've done i'm glad. when i think of what was going on at the time and the emotions tied to it, it makes my heart swell. when i see the expressions on friends' faces caught mostly with a smile on their face, it makes me smile too. but at the same time, these precious memories are only that...memories and that makes me a little sad.

life has improved in so many ways with this move out here, but once again i find myself missing a crucial component and that is friends. personally, it does get a little harder with every move and as i age i find it a wee bit more difficult to find quality people to spend time with. it could be the fact that i've already met some of the most incredible people and i feel like they couldn't be replaced, or it could be that i'm just tired of 'firsts' and just want friends who know me. i don't know, but i've got to get out there and try and meet some new people.

maybe then i when i look back on my memories i can just smile.

12:17am, location: living room

after downing a glass of coke at ten to eleven, i have been researching deadly spiders and looking up horrific pictures of brown recluse bites. if that wasn't enough, my housemate pointed out this mysterious child's handprint on the front bay window which using my imagination i have chalked up to some ghost child living in our house. now, i have decided to 'calm' myself down by watching intervention and reading soldiers of reason, a book about the RAND corporation which of is basically in control of the american nuclear strategy.

yeah, i'm going to get a greaaaaaat nights' sleep tonight.