one of "those" days. (or weeks...)

i had a bad day today. 

it just started with me feeling pissed off, likely because my air cond started making a racket about 45 minutes before i actually had to get up. i shut it off and then fell back asleep. fell asleep hard and then felt ripped out of sleep when the alarm went off. after that, it was having no where to take kismet to the bathroom because other dogs were up on the roof, so had to bring kismet downstairs. every other day, there isn't a person in sight but today there were two. one for each side of the rooftop. 

you can start to see a pattern forming here no doubt.

the rest of the day was pretty much one irritating event after another. work just generally sucked. the commute home sucked. even dinner sort of sucked, at least until i finally decided to stop cooking and order some mcd's in. now, here i sit feeling a little less frustrated but feeling a blog in here just waiting to get out so here goes.

i think today is indicative of a growing problem that i've sort of been burying inside of me. i don't know how to politely say it and seeing how this is my blog, i think i'll just come out with it: i think i'm starting to hate taiwan. not literally, but figuratively it's starting to happen. i love the people, like my job (generally speaking) and have more friends than i can really handle, but i still feel this sort of annoyance/disillusionment with here. the funny thing is, life has really never been better. i'm eating right, exercising, and socializing on a healthy basis. i make enough money to pay my bills, live in a nice apartment and enjoy a comfortable lifestyle. professionally, i've changed my schedule and have a full day to focus on freelancing so what, What WHAT is it? everything is in place and still it's not enough...there must be an underlying reason. i don't want to hate taiwan. two years ago, i couldn't wait to get back here and you couldn't pay me to go back to my old life. now, i have everything the way i like it and it feels....it feels...banal? hi hao?? boring???

i just don't feel "into" this place anymore. i go through the motions, but my heart just isn't in it and i find myself almost resenting those who seem to be into it. i've seen it, been it, done it and even have the pictures to prove it. i feel like i've met no one new in a year (even tho i have) and feel like those i do know well keep replaying the same events over and over again. there has to be more, hasn't there? taiwan can't have revealed all her secrets to me after 5 years. 

these feelings have been bubbling up for a few months, but really came to a head after holidays. there just wasn't any sheen to taipei for me anymore. work was still there, with the same lame projects and tedious day-to-day. my friends weren't doing anything new...same parties, same faces, same places. so, i started taking myself out of the equation. being more selective about events, changing up my schedule at work and focusing on some projects that make me happy. while this is positive and fulfilling when i'm able to devote time to it, the rest of the stuff feels like it's just getting in my way. 

alright. so, what do i do? i can't very well up and quit my job, nor can i move tomorrow or even within the next year. too many other plans and goals depend on me staying put for a while. i think this might be part of the problem that i'm ready to go, or at least leaning in that direction, but need to be smart about things so there isn't a repeat of 2007-2009. as dull and colorless as life might seem at the moment, nothing compares to the misadventures of canada. 

i need to reconnect with this place again. i need to find the joy, the adventure, the essence, the joie de vivre that i used to feel. i'm just not sure how or where to begin. the nightlife feels played out, so no sense in trying that. i think it might be time to revisit some of the places i've been to, but only once. another thing i seldom, or rather almost never do, is go out and walk on the streets with my camera. other than those ideas, escaping taipei now and then is definitely in order. i seem to never remember that most of this country is easily accessible by train or bus or high-speed rail. yet another possibility is taking in some cultural shows, events, festivals and revisiting some museums and galleries.

ok. i feel a bit better now and hopefully once i put my ideas into action, they'll kick me out of this funk i'm in. 

doldrums

Back from holidays so time to update. The last two weeks of vacation have been great…ten days spent in Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia with nothing but beach, good food, and books to keep me company. The city isn’t much to write home about, but the surrounding beaches were very nice indeed. Picture small green islands, aqua-blue water teeming with ocean life, and white sand beaches. The sunsets lived up to their reputation as well and we could watch them while dining on some excellent seafood, steak, curry, pasta or just about anything else you could want. The only downside was the town had little to do after dark and tended to gouge tourists but what can you do? In hindsight, I think ten days would have been enough to explore the place, but it was still nice to get out of Taipei for a while. As soon as we touched down, I could already feel myself thinking about work and all the things I “have” to do before starting. By Saturday, I was feeling panicked about the things I had and hadn’t done. It seems I left my brain in Taipei, but it sure kicked itself into overdrive when I picked it up again.

Now I’m back at work and feeling…sad? Angry? Tired? Whatever it is, it’s definitely some post-vacation funk and I need to find myself an out. I’m just really not that excited to be back…I don’t know if it’s work, the city, the pace, the lifestyle but I’m just not feeling it right now. It just feels like I don’t have much to look forward to at the moment…just working, eating and sleeping. I suppose I should be thankful that I could actually afford to get out of the city for a bit, but I think it’s just part of a deeply rooted feeling I’ve been having for the last couple months or so. That feeling being that my life here isn’t enough. Not enough adventure, money, time, etc. I have these grand ideas of what my life should be like professionally and personally and I don’t feel like I’m achieving any of it. In short, the cold winds of change are nipping at my nose and I need to come up with some way to protect myself from them or let them sweep me away.

I’ve mentioned the possibility of moving to Spain and that is still an option…however, after a more thorough examination of finances, the timing may be off by about six months to a year. If we were to stick things out until Jan.2013 we’d be practically debt-free and will have contributed that much more to our savings. This would be especially helpful considering that costs are going to increase living in Europe, so it would purely be a practical move. The only problem is that I’m not sure I can stick things out that much longer that way I’m going. It’s not Taiwan, it’s me that needs to change. In order for me to stay longer, I need to continue with my personal and professional goals, but also find a way to love living here again. I desperately want things to feel new again, or at least have some of the feeling back that I used to have by living here. I’m simply not ready to be that jaded expat who has seen and done it all…there is no way I’ve even seen half of what this place has to show me (or at least I hope so!)

Alright, alright, enough of the pity party already. I just needed to vent a little and actually do feel better now. I think I’m going to start by making a list of the things I want to improve and go from there. Next post I’ll elaborate more on “the plan.”

compromise if the lubricant on which society depends

it seems like all i ever do in life is compromise. i used to think what better place to meet someone than halfway there, but i think twice about things these days. compromise starts at an early age. the world isn't the way we'd like and unless we decide to play ball by making small sacrifices, we can't seem to get along. just ask any newborn who's figuring things out for the first time. and as you learn to talk and listen, it just gets worse.
"finish your dinner and then you can play."
"Ryan, we have to take turns and share our toys."
"Please listen while others are speaking."
but it just gets worse as we age because we start to take more responsibility for our actions. work, family and friends all have their own sets of demands on our time and energy, which forces us to compromise on the time we allot for each task. while physical factors may attribute for a lot of unseen compromising, there is no doubt about how much compromise is made by people, or rather , will vs. will. most people can get along with each other, but there are some which make it difficult due to their unwillingness to bend, or compromise on some issue.
take friendship for example, which is supposed to be all about compromise and one are wherei can honestly say compromise goes a long way. however, some friends compromise more than others. i'm experiencing that in a big way recently with certain others who have a lot of personal problems. as such, this person isn't themself and act out in petty, petty ways forcing the other friend, a.k.a me to compromise even more in the name of friendship. while i should just tell this person to f off and get a hold of themself, the compromising brain tells me to try to be understanding and empathetic.
So, why does this make me want to pull out my hair?
Because as if the above reasons weren't enough for you to believe that life is just one big compromise, there are literally hundreds of mini-compromises that we make on an unconscious level each day. each breath we take as a race is a compromise and not a very good one, i'm afraid. you see, oxygen is very toxic, corrosive element so what animals like humans have evolved on a compromised system. We need the oxygen to survive, and while that doesn't harm us outright, the energy released into the cells from the oxygen powers the mitochondria, which in turn release byproducts. These by-products, known as free radicals, eventually destroy cells which causes ageing and eventually death. But, without this compromise, we wouldn't exist.
alright, so after we come to terms with this irrevocable compromise with mother nature, let us not forget her other compromise; weather. completely a one-sided compromise. the weather couldn't care less about how you have to drive 250km that day, or that you planned to go running before work. hell, it doesn't even think to ask.
all silliness aside, even if the weather could ask i highly doubt it would compromise anyway. why would it? and who would win out? we'd still have people compromising for weather all over the place....farmers wanting alot of rain for a good growing season....followed by sun all day for the beachgoers and snow in the early morning for the skiers...nothing short of chaos so it's best that it's left to mother nature to take care of.
a few other examples of involuntary compromises include walking on the street(other people and obstructions to compromise you from walking in a straight line), going for bite to eat (choosing restaurant), interacting with strangers we meet and pretty much we leave the house using our feet. (sorry...couldn't resist the rhyming there :) )

i think what i'm hoping for is by putting this into physical form that the universe will somehow listen and make the people i'm thinking of well. again.

ch-ch-ch-changes

moving on has been a lot on my mind the last few days. it started when a f/t position came up two weeks ago. until that point, i hadn't given much thought of where i am in life or where i'm headed, just getting through each day. so, i applied for the job and had the interview and now i'm fairly certain i've got it, but the question is, do i want it? taking it would mean more money, solid hours, better sched and all that, but it also means that i'm going to be a bit more 'stuck' in my current situation.

i'm not too sure if i'm alright with that or not.

to compound these thoughts, a co-worker of mine is also decided to call it quits and that always make me re-evaluate things. am i happy here? could i or should i be doing something different with my life? why, of course i could and should! something new!? that's way better than what i'm doing now! and so on...

i hate to say it, but that part of me that loves change is quite a spoiled bitch...it makes me try new things, see new places, meet new people, but it also wants it all the time and won't let me settle for anything less. every time a travel book comes through my till, i immediately think that i should be out there again, traveling or working and living under foreign skies. i get these romantic ideas of what my life would be like if i was to live in this or that place and it makes my head swim with possibilities....and that makes me feel happy.

BUT, in the deep, dark places of my soul there is also this little person who whispers to me and makes me feel like i should settle down some where, plant roots, have kids and get fat. i hate this person because he makes me feel like i'm a dreamer who wants to waste his life on travel and that's not the way a grown-up should live his life.

haiku for the little practical man inside me

man inside my head
terrible yet insistent
sleep now little boss

reconnecting

there have been many things which have been difficult since returning to canada. adapting to the food, the prices, and the weather making up the short list. surprisingly, there is one area which seems to be most problematic for me and i'm unsure of what to do. this would be personal relationships, namely my friendships. while i thought i did a good job of staying in the know with everyone back here, i find myself struggling to have the ease that i once did with some of the people in my circle. i know that with some of my friends 20 years could go by and we could pick up right where we left off, but there are a few with whom i thought i had a stronger friendship. at first, i believed it to be a problem with my friends but at the moment, i'm not so sure.

let me give an example...the other night it was a friends' 30th birthday party...i attended the dinner and the bar afterwards but i found myself speaking with the same people i had all night. i just didn't feel up to the task of working the room so to speak. but why? these people are my friends and i should be able to speak to them about any and everything...shouldn't i? this is when it dawned on me that it isn't they who have changed, it's me. when i mean change, i don't mean fundamentally...i still speak and act and look the same, but there is a small difference which i can't put my finger on just the same.

maybe it's the travel, maybe it's a simple as i was gone for a long time but whatever it is i don't know if i can get it back to the way it was...i feel disconnected, like i don't fit in anymore....but maybe that's alright. i've always said that trying to relive an experience is never a good idea because it will always fall short of the previous experience. instead, we should always strive to create a new experience so we can grow and learn from that experience. i guess i should heed my own advice on this point as now it appears that i am trying to go back 4 years ago and expect my friends to be the same.

i'm honestly not saying that i don't or won't continue to be friends with anyone....that said, i feel like i need to stop kicking a dead horse. some new friends, or strengthening the friendships i do have might just be the ticket.