reconnecting

there have been many things which have been difficult since returning to canada. adapting to the food, the prices, and the weather making up the short list. surprisingly, there is one area which seems to be most problematic for me and i'm unsure of what to do. this would be personal relationships, namely my friendships. while i thought i did a good job of staying in the know with everyone back here, i find myself struggling to have the ease that i once did with some of the people in my circle. i know that with some of my friends 20 years could go by and we could pick up right where we left off, but there are a few with whom i thought i had a stronger friendship. at first, i believed it to be a problem with my friends but at the moment, i'm not so sure.

let me give an example...the other night it was a friends' 30th birthday party...i attended the dinner and the bar afterwards but i found myself speaking with the same people i had all night. i just didn't feel up to the task of working the room so to speak. but why? these people are my friends and i should be able to speak to them about any and everything...shouldn't i? this is when it dawned on me that it isn't they who have changed, it's me. when i mean change, i don't mean fundamentally...i still speak and act and look the same, but there is a small difference which i can't put my finger on just the same.

maybe it's the travel, maybe it's a simple as i was gone for a long time but whatever it is i don't know if i can get it back to the way it was...i feel disconnected, like i don't fit in anymore....but maybe that's alright. i've always said that trying to relive an experience is never a good idea because it will always fall short of the previous experience. instead, we should always strive to create a new experience so we can grow and learn from that experience. i guess i should heed my own advice on this point as now it appears that i am trying to go back 4 years ago and expect my friends to be the same.

i'm honestly not saying that i don't or won't continue to be friends with anyone....that said, i feel like i need to stop kicking a dead horse. some new friends, or strengthening the friendships i do have might just be the ticket.