it just started with me feeling pissed off, likely because my air cond started making a racket about 45 minutes before i actually had to get up. i shut it off and then fell back asleep. fell asleep hard and then felt ripped out of sleep when the alarm went off. after that, it was having no where to take kismet to the bathroom because other dogs were up on the roof, so had to bring kismet downstairs. every other day, there isn't a person in sight but today there were two. one for each side of the rooftop.
you can start to see a pattern forming here no doubt.
the rest of the day was pretty much one irritating event after another. work just generally sucked. the commute home sucked. even dinner sort of sucked, at least until i finally decided to stop cooking and order some mcd's in. now, here i sit feeling a little less frustrated but feeling a blog in here just waiting to get out so here goes.
i think today is indicative of a growing problem that i've sort of been burying inside of me. i don't know how to politely say it and seeing how this is my blog, i think i'll just come out with it: i think i'm starting to hate taiwan. not literally, but figuratively it's starting to happen. i love the people, like my job (generally speaking) and have more friends than i can really handle, but i still feel this sort of annoyance/disillusionment with here. the funny thing is, life has really never been better. i'm eating right, exercising, and socializing on a healthy basis. i make enough money to pay my bills, live in a nice apartment and enjoy a comfortable lifestyle. professionally, i've changed my schedule and have a full day to focus on freelancing so what, What WHAT is it? everything is in place and still it's not enough...there must be an underlying reason. i don't want to hate taiwan. two years ago, i couldn't wait to get back here and you couldn't pay me to go back to my old life. now, i have everything the way i like it and it feels....it feels...banal? hi hao?? boring???
i just don't feel "into" this place anymore. i go through the motions, but my heart just isn't in it and i find myself almost resenting those who seem to be into it. i've seen it, been it, done it and even have the pictures to prove it. i feel like i've met no one new in a year (even tho i have) and feel like those i do know well keep replaying the same events over and over again. there has to be more, hasn't there? taiwan can't have revealed all her secrets to me after 5 years.
these feelings have been bubbling up for a few months, but really came to a head after holidays. there just wasn't any sheen to taipei for me anymore. work was still there, with the same lame projects and tedious day-to-day. my friends weren't doing anything new...same parties, same faces, same places. so, i started taking myself out of the equation. being more selective about events, changing up my schedule at work and focusing on some projects that make me happy. while this is positive and fulfilling when i'm able to devote time to it, the rest of the stuff feels like it's just getting in my way.
alright. so, what do i do? i can't very well up and quit my job, nor can i move tomorrow or even within the next year. too many other plans and goals depend on me staying put for a while. i think this might be part of the problem that i'm ready to go, or at least leaning in that direction, but need to be smart about things so there isn't a repeat of 2007-2009. as dull and colorless as life might seem at the moment, nothing compares to the misadventures of canada.
i need to reconnect with this place again. i need to find the joy, the adventure, the essence, the joie de vivre that i used to feel. i'm just not sure how or where to begin. the nightlife feels played out, so no sense in trying that. i think it might be time to revisit some of the places i've been to, but only once. another thing i seldom, or rather almost never do, is go out and walk on the streets with my camera. other than those ideas, escaping taipei now and then is definitely in order. i seem to never remember that most of this country is easily accessible by train or bus or high-speed rail. yet another possibility is taking in some cultural shows, events, festivals and revisiting some museums and galleries.
ok. i feel a bit better now and hopefully once i put my ideas into action, they'll kick me out of this funk i'm in.
